LIFE & MOTHERHOOD COACH FOR MAMAS IN MIDLIFE

Category: Midlife Reflections

  • Claiming Your Own Peace After 50: Why Keeping Everyone Else’s Peace Isn’t the Same Thing

    This was originally sent to my REDISCOVERY newsletter subscribers. If you’d like letters like this delivered to your inbox every Monday, you can sign up on the side panel.

    How are you? I hope you’re well.

    This week I walked twelve miles in the sunshine – a circular route arranged by the Ramblers. My aim is one long walk somewhere new once a month. Somewhere along the way I got talking to a woman who’d spent decades following her husband’s career around the world. Switzerland, different cities, different schools. And now, at nearly sixty, she’d decided: they’re staying put in the UK, and she’s figuring out who she is and what she wants for herself. I recognised that decision – that feeling of It’s Time.

    This week: claiming your peace.

    Not the peace that exists for other people – the careful words, the managed moods, the going-somewhere-you-didn’t-want-to-go. That’s not real peace. That’s maintenance work.

    Real peace is an internal state — calm, settled, confident in yourself.

    I know what it costs to keep everyone else’s peace. I’ve been far too good at it. And what I’ve learned is this: it doesn’t actually keep the peace. It keeps the status quo. Which is a very different thing.

    And at some point you notice: you’ve been attending to everyone’s peace except your own. And something has to change.

    The good news is that peace isn’t something you find. It’s something you decide. You claim it. You protect it. You come back to it when something pulls you away from it. It’s yours.

    Certain relationships or situations will still disrupt it – that’s just life. The difference is knowing how to notice it, deal with it, and return to yourself. With practice you return to your peace more quickly and for longer.

    Nobody else is responsible for your peace. Nobody is going to hand it to you. And knowing that isn’t sad or hopeless – it’s liberating and empowering because it’s in your hands.

    Peace lives within you when your life is aligned to your values.

    This week’s practice:

    First, notice. When do you adjust yourself – what you say, how you behave, how much space you take up – in response to someone else’s mood or expectations?

    Ask yourself: is this genuine care? Whose peace am I keeping?

    Then, claim your peace. Here are some ways to do that this week:

    • Sit in stillness for five minutes. Close your eyes. Just breathe.
    • Go for a walk with no destination and no distractions – just you.
    • Rest when your body asks for it, without negotiating with yourself first.
    • Notice what disrupts your peace – and notice what helps you return to it.

    Small practices. Real results.

    With love and best wishes always, Susy

    P.S. What does peace actually feel like for you? Hit reply. I’d love to know.

    FREE RESOURCES FOR YOU:

    What Do I Really Want? Your 5-Step Action Plan — for when you’ve lost touch with your own desires

    Get Your Spark Back Guide — small, practical ways to feel like yourself again

    Rediscover Your Values Workbook — get clear on what actually matters to you now

    All on my website: www.susyrosemary.com

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    by

    Susy Rosemary
    in , , , , , , , ,

    This was originally sent to my REDISCOVERY newsletter subscribers. If you’d like letters like this delivered to your inbox every Monday, you can sign up on the side panel. How are you? I hope you’re well. This week I walked twelve miles in the sunshine – a circular route arranged by the Ramblers. My aim…

  • Setting Boundaries After 50: What Nobody Tells You About the Guilt

    This was originally sent to my REDISCOVERY newsletter subscribers. If you’d like letters like this delivered to your inbox every Monday, you can sign up in the side panel.

    How are you? I hope you’re well. This week, I did my first long Ramblers walk with my new boots and a knapsack on my back. 10 miles, beautiful weather, boats, sparkles in the water, bluebells and butterflies. It was so fun and inspiring to meet new people. It felt freeing and each step was a step on my own Rediscovery journey. I’m going to book another one.

    So this week I set a boundary with someone so that I could protect my peace. It was important to me and I had to do it. It was difficult for me to do.

    Defining a boundary is a truth you say out loud. You say what you need. For what your body needs (instead of storing it in tension) and what your mind needs (instead of storing angst).

    For most of our adult lives, especially as women, as mothers and carers, we often care about and for other people. Perhaps we gave way on things that mattered because it was easier. Perhaps we stayed quiet in situations that cost us something. Perhaps we called it being reasonable, being nice, being a good mother, daughter, colleague, friend.

    I had a moment when I realised that I had spent so long accommodating everyone else’s preferences that I genuinely had lost my own. Not because I didn’t have them. But because I’d spent years taking care of everyone else at my own expense. I don’t blame them – it was me, fitting into some belief or social system.

    A boundary can seem aggressive but it isn’t. Nor is it unkindness. It’s the honest answer to the question: what will I accept, and what won’t I accept any more?

    The discomfort you feel when you live with a boundary – that guilt, that urge to apologise and take it back – that’s not evidence that you’ve done something wrong. It’s evidence that you’ve spent a very long time not doing this. New things feel uncomfortable. That doesn’t mean they’re wrong.

    This week’s practice:

    Sit quietly with these questions. Write honestly, without editing:

    • What have I been tolerating that I know, deep down, I shouldn’t be?
    • Where do I feel drained, resentful, or invisible?
    • What do I want instead?

    And finally, what is one step I could take to get from where I am to where I truly want to be? That’s the exciting part…

    With love and best wishes always, Susy

    P.S. What is one aspect of your life that you want to change, and how can you change it in one small way towards what you really want? Hit reply – I read every single one.

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    by

    Susy Rosemary
    in , , , , ,

    This was originally sent to my REDISCOVERY newsletter subscribers. If you’d like letters like this delivered to your inbox every Monday, you can sign up in the side panel. How are you? I hope you’re well. This week, I did my first long Ramblers walk with my new boots and a knapsack on my back.…

  • The people most upset by your boundaries

    Hello,

    How are you? I hope you’re well.

    I’ve been thinking about something this week, and I want to share it with you because maybe you’ve experienced this too.

    The people who get most upset when you start setting boundaries are the ones who benefited most from not having one.

    And it’s usually your nearest and dearest…that’s tricky.

    The resistance you didn’t expect

    When I first started reclaiming myself and setting boundaries, I thought everyone would understand. I thought they’d say, “Oh, of course! You matter too! No problem.”

    That’s not what happened.

    Instead, it was:

    • “You’ve changed.”
    • “Why are you being so difficult?”
    • “You never used to be like this.”
    • “You’re acting strangely.”

    The irony? The “before” they preferred was when I was too tired, too quiet, not me.  They liked me more accommodating and they were used to it.

    Understandably, really.  

    Why boundaries feel like rejection

    Here’s what I’ve learned: When you’ve spent years being the person who accommodates, who keeps the peace – people get used to that version of you.

    They come to expect it. They rely on it.

    So when you start setting boundaries, it feels to them like you’re being selfish. Difficult. Mean, even.

    But you’re not.

    You’re setting boundaries because you matter too. 

    The pattern to notice

    Pay attention to who pushes back hardest when you set boundaries.

    Often, it’s the people who:

    • Got the most from your lack of boundaries
    • Never had to consider your needs because you always accommodated theirs first
    • Relied on you staying the same so they could stay comfortable

    This doesn’t make them bad people. And it’s often your family and closest friends.

    But their discomfort is not your responsibility to fix. Really, it’s not – though it might feel like it is, it’s the pattern that has been playing for years.

    What this looks like in real life

    Last month, I told a family member I wouldn’t be available for something I used to always say yes to. The response was immediate: “Oh that’s a shame! How come?”

    There wasn’t a loaded silence or resentment. There was no guilt trap.

    I was happy to say that I needed to get on with some work that had been waiting to be done and was bothering me. I didn’t need to apologize. The boundary was clear, and they understood it.

    Another one, they said, “You’re acting strangely”…they didn’t want to understand my point of view or boundary…it was inconvenient to them.

    There can be discomfort, but there doesn’t have to be.

    We all get disappointed and then we all move on and make adjustments. We don’t need to carry everything and everyone – it just doesn’t work in the end.

    Your boundaries aren’t the problem

    If someone reacts badly to your boundaries, that’s information about them, not about you.  It tells you:

    • They were benefiting from your lack of boundaries
    • They prefer you accommodating over you authentic
    • They’re not used to considering your needs
    • Your comfort has never been their priority

    This is hard to hear, hard to accept. Especially with people you love. 

    But you setting boundaries doesn’t make you difficult. It makes you clear.

    You choosing yourself doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you honest.

    You saying no doesn’t make you mean. It means you’re caring – caring for yourself as well as others.

    This week’s practice:

    Notice who pushes back on your boundaries.

    This week, when you set a boundary pay attention:

    • Who gets upset?
    • Who makes you feel guilty?
    • Who tries to talk you out of it?
    • Who benefits from you not having the boundary?

    Start noticing the patterns. Because once you see who benefits from your lack of boundaries, you’ll understand the bigger picture.

    And then you’ll be able to redraw that picture with you more brightly in the picture – by making your own boundaries so you can do the things you want to do, be how you want to be.

    With love and best wishes always,
    Susy

    —

    by

    Susy Rosemary
    in , ,

    Hello, How are you? I hope you’re well. I’ve been thinking about something this week, and I want to share it with you because maybe you’ve experienced this too. The people who get most upset when you start setting boundaries are the ones who benefited most from not having one. And it’s usually your nearest…

  • How to Use Anger as Information: Reclaiming Your Voice After 50

    Hello,

    How are you today? I hope you are well.

    If you’ve ever felt angry and immediately pushed it down, this is for you.

    I had a moment this week that caught me off guard. I was talking to someone when I was interrupted mid-sentence. Not the first time, unfortunately.

    But this time, I felt the anger. I let myself notice it. I didn’t lash out, there would be no point. But I noticed it and I was going to use this experience for some learning because I’ve had enough of not being heard fully.

    Later on, I thought: What is this anger trying to tell me?

    The anger you’re not supposed to feel…

    For women over 50, anger is complicated.

    We were taught that anger makes you “difficult.” That nice women don’t get angry – they stay calm, understanding, always patient.

    So when anger shows up, you might:

    • Push it down immediately
    • Feel guilty for feeling it
    • Apologize for being “too emotional”
    • Convince yourself you’re overreacting

    But that anger is information on what is not aligned in your life.

    Maternal anger shows that anger serves four critical functions and one of them is Voice Reclamation.

    Anger as a signal

    When you’ve spent years staying quiet to keep the peace, anger becomes a signal that your voice needs reclaiming.

    The anger isn’t the problem – it’s pointing to the problem which is actually really useful!

    It’s saying:

    • “This isn’t okay anymore.”
    • “I’ve been dismissed too many times.”
    • “My voice matters too.”
    • “I’m done being talked over.”
    • “I won’t stay silent to keep everyone else comfortable.”

    In my case, the anger that rose when I was interrupted wasn’t random. It was quite normal. I know what it’s like being talked over, dismissed, and treated like my experience as a highly trained nurse, mother, and woman with 20+ years of expertise doesn’t matter.

    Excuse me, I matter. We all matter.

    The anger was telling me: It’s time to reclaim your voice and I’m not tolerating this anymore.

    What anger reveals…

    Think about the last time you felt angry.

    Now ask: What was happening right before that?

    For many women over 50, anger shows up when:

    • Someone dismisses what you just said
    • Your needs are treated as optional while everyone else’s are urgent
    • You’re expected to accommodate but receive no accommodation in return
    • Someone speaks for you or over you
    • Your expertise is questioned by someone with less experience
    • You’re told you’re “too sensitive” when you point out something unfair

    What is your anger trying to tell you? Use it as information.

    Reclaiming your voice through anger…

    Here’s the shift: Anger isn’t something to suppress or apologize for.

    Anger is data and it’s pointing you toward where your voice needs to be heard.

    When I felt that anger, it was telling me: “You deserve to finish your sentences. You deserve to be heard. Your voice matters.”

    Later that day, I went back to him. Calm. Clear. “When you interrupted me earlier, I wasn’t finished making my point. In the future, I’d appreciate if you’d let me complete my thoughts without interrupting and listen instead. And I will be completing them from now on.”

    Was it comfortable? No. But change isn’t always comfortable.

    The anger had shown me something true: My voice had been taken and I wanted to reclaim it…I had to reclaim it to honour my own being.

    This week’s practice:

    Track your anger this week.

    When you feel angry (even a flash of irritation), pause and ask:

    What is this anger trying to tell me?

    Specifically:

    • Where is my voice being silenced right now?
    • What boundary has been crossed?
    • What truth do I want to speak?

    Your anger is information. Let it guide you.

    Want more support in reclaiming your voice? Download my free Rediscover Your Values Workbook to get clear on what truly matters to you.

    With love and best wishes always,
    Susy

    —

    by

    Susy Rosemary
    in , ,

    Hello, How are you today? I hope you are well. If you’ve ever felt angry and immediately pushed it down, this is for you. I had a moment this week that caught me off guard. I was talking to someone when I was interrupted mid-sentence. Not the first time, unfortunately. But this time, I felt…

  • Rediscovering the Parts of Yourself You Forgot: A Reflection on Identity After 50

    Hello,

    How are you? I hope things are well with you.

    I was driving to a nursing shift this evening and turned on the radio. Fauré.

    Suddenly the car was filled with it. I’d forgotten how much I loved Fauré. I sang along loudly and had the thought: I need more music in my life.

    Here’s the thing – I’m a trained musician. Specialist music school. Music degree. Flute and piano to a high level. I taught for years. I used to dream of performing.

    But as I got older, I realized I didn’t want the stage. I wanted home. I wanted to play for myself, not an audience.

    And then… I just stopped.

    Not consciously. It just happened. Life got busy. Work. Kids. All the things.

    And I forgot how much I love music. All kinds, not just classical.

    This got me thinking:

    It’s so easy to forget parts of yourself while you’re busy doing other things.

    Yet those parts – the ones you set aside – they’re what make you you.

    They’re the pieces of the jigsaw.

    We put them on the shelf when life gets full: career, family, health, caring for others.

    And we forget they’re there.

    Hearing Fauré tonight was a reminder: All parts of you matter.

    They feed into each other. They lift your heart.

    Today’s reflection:

    Is there something you’ve forgotten that’s actually an important part of you?

    Let it come back into your life again.

    Notice the smile it brings.

    With love and best wishes always,
    Susy

    —

    by

    Susy Rosemary
    in , ,

    Hello, How are you? I hope things are well with you. I was driving to a nursing shift this evening and turned on the radio. Fauré. Suddenly the car was filled with it. I’d forgotten how much I loved Fauré. I sang along loudly and had the thought: I need more music in my life.…