LIFE & MOTHERHOOD COACH FOR MAMAS IN MIDLIFE

Tag: setting boundaries

  • When You Change, Not Everyone Will Be Glad — The Truth About Growing After 50

    Nobody warns you about this part.

    They tell you to grow. Find yourself. Choose your own life. Be brave. And all of that is true and worth hearing. But what they don’t tell you is what happens to some of your relationships when you actually do it.

    When you change, not everyone will be glad.

    Not because they’re bad in any way. But because the version of you that was quiet and accommodating and reliably easy to manage – she worked for them. And this new version, the one with clearer limits and a stronger sense of her own value? She can be disorienting. Even threatening. To people who benefited from your smallness, your growth can look like a problem.

    I’ve felt this. The surprise on someone’s face when I didn’t say, Sure, that’s fine… The comment that landed like: you’ve changed. Said not as a compliment.

    I have changed. And I’m not going back.

    In my Motherhood Studies training, the Fish Tank Model describes the invisible system that surrounds women – the social norms, family expectations, relationship patterns that define what’s acceptable. When you exist quietly within the system, everything feels fine. The moment you start to shift, the system pushes back. It needs you where you were.

    It’s not personal. It feels personal – intensely, sometimes painfully personal. But it’s systemic. You are bumping up against a structure that was designed to keep women compliant and in their place.

    The people who genuinely love you, and who are capable of growing themselves, will adjust. Some will need time. Some will surprise you. And some – this is the part that nobody tells you – may not be able to come with you.

    That is one of the harder truths of real change. Not everyone will celebrate who you’re becoming. Some of them were comfortable in your previous version.

    But here is what I know, from my own life and from other women I’ve spoken with:

    You cannot grow and simultaneously stay small for everyone’s comfort. Those two things cannot coexist. And now that you’ve seen the tank – now that you know what you’ve been swimming in – you cannot unsee it.

    The discomfort of growing is temporary. The cost of shrinking back is permanent.

    Choose growth.

    This week’s practice:

    Think of someone in your life who may be uncomfortable with who you’re becoming.

    Now think of the last thing you almost said to them – and didn’t. The sentence you edited.

    Write the unedited version. The thing you actually wanted to say. You don’t have to send it, share it, or do anything with it. Just write it without softening it for once.

    Notice how that feels. Not reckless. Not unkind. Just true.

    That gap – between what you said and what you wrote just now — that’s the distance you’re closing. That’s what becoming looks like.

    It takes practice. But you’re already doing it.

    With love and best wishes always,
    Susy 

    —

    by

    Susy Rosemary
    in , , ,

    Nobody warns you about this part. They tell you to grow. Find yourself. Choose your own life. Be brave. And all of that is true and worth hearing. But what they don’t tell you is what happens to some of your relationships when you actually do it. When you change, not everyone will be glad.…

  • Party time and boundaries: A Story About Choosing Yourself at 50+

    Hello,

    This week we’ve been talking about boundaries.

    I wonder—have you made any new ones? Or started noticing which ones you have, or might need?

    The Boundaries We Don’t Talk About

    This week, my son has been off sick from school, which meant I couldn’t work as I normally would.

    This was a different kind of boundary. Non-negotiable. My son needed me, and everything else had to wait.

    But that same weekend, I did something unusual for me.

    I went to a party. Yes, an actual party. For adults.

    The Party I Almost Didn’t Attend

    It was my best friend’s 55th birthday celebration—three hours away. A six-hour round trip, plus breaks.

    Last year, I would have said, “It’s too far, I can’t go.”

    But this year, I thought: We have ONE life. I’m going.

    Which meant my 8-year-old son wouldn’t come. Which meant my husband would look after him.

    This was a boundary I wouldn’t normally set. I had to think it through. I had to justify it to myself.

    My son and husband would have fun together. They wouldn’t enjoy the long journey. My son would be bored at the party. And I wouldn’t be able to relax, catch up with my friend, and actually enjoy myself.

    The Guilt That Almost Stopped Me

    But here’s the thing: why did I find this so difficult?

    The guilt of leaving him. The feeling of selfishness for not including them.

    Yet I also deeply knew: I needed to see my friend. To chat, to laugh, to really catch up properly about how we both are.

    For women over 50, choosing ourselves—especially when it means asking others to accommodate us for once—can feel almost revolutionary. The guilt is real. But so is the need.

    What Happened When I Said Yes

    And once I made that decision? Everything opened up.

    I met up with another old friend I haven’t seen for years. We spent three hours in a café in lovely Marlow, just talking.

    We’ve both been through rough times (haven’t we all?), and it was so good to be together.

    At the party, I met new people—interesting and interested people. One woman takes three dancing lessons a week: two tap, one ballet. Another has just booked a walking holiday. Another recently started her own interior design business.

    Making that one boundary—going to my friend’s party alone—opened up my world in unexpected ways.

    And here’s the beautiful part: everyone had a great weekend.

    The Power of One Boundary

    Sometimes, setting one boundary creates a ripple effect you never expected.

    That party wasn’t just about celebrating my friend’s birthday. It was about saying: I matter too. My friendships matter. My joy matters.

    It was about choosing myself—not instead of my family, but alongside them.

    And trusting that everyone would be absolutely fine without me for one day.

    They were.

    Your Turn

    This week, I invite you to reflect on your own boundaries.

    What boundary are you setting—or could you set—that might open up your world in ways you haven’t imagined?

    Where are you holding yourself back to accommodate everyone else?

    What would it look like to choose yourself, even just for one day?

    I’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave a comment below or hit reply—I read every single one.

    With love and best wishes always, Susy

    P.S. If you’re constantly struggling with boundaries and the guilt that comes with them, you’re not alone. Reply and tell me about it. I’m here. 💛

    —

    by

    Susy Rosemary
    in , , , ,

    Hello, This week we’ve been talking about boundaries. I wonder—have you made any new ones? Or started noticing which ones you have, or might need? The Boundaries We Don’t Talk About This week, my son has been off sick from school, which meant I couldn’t work as I normally would. This was a different kind…

  • The people most upset by your boundaries

    Hello,

    How are you? I hope you’re well.

    I’ve been thinking about something this week, and I want to share it with you because maybe you’ve experienced this too.

    The people who get most upset when you start setting boundaries are the ones who benefited most from not having one.

    And it’s usually your nearest and dearest…that’s tricky.

    The resistance you didn’t expect

    When I first started reclaiming myself and setting boundaries, I thought everyone would understand. I thought they’d say, “Oh, of course! You matter too! No problem.”

    That’s not what happened.

    Instead, it was:

    • “You’ve changed.”
    • “Why are you being so difficult?”
    • “You never used to be like this.”
    • “You’re acting strangely.”

    The irony? The “before” they preferred was when I was too tired, too quiet, not me.  They liked me more accommodating and they were used to it.

    Understandably, really.  

    Why boundaries feel like rejection

    Here’s what I’ve learned: When you’ve spent years being the person who accommodates, who keeps the peace – people get used to that version of you.

    They come to expect it. They rely on it.

    So when you start setting boundaries, it feels to them like you’re being selfish. Difficult. Mean, even.

    But you’re not.

    You’re setting boundaries because you matter too. 

    The pattern to notice

    Pay attention to who pushes back hardest when you set boundaries.

    Often, it’s the people who:

    • Got the most from your lack of boundaries
    • Never had to consider your needs because you always accommodated theirs first
    • Relied on you staying the same so they could stay comfortable

    This doesn’t make them bad people. And it’s often your family and closest friends.

    But their discomfort is not your responsibility to fix. Really, it’s not – though it might feel like it is, it’s the pattern that has been playing for years.

    What this looks like in real life

    Last month, I told a family member I wouldn’t be available for something I used to always say yes to. The response was immediate: “Oh that’s a shame! How come?”

    There wasn’t a loaded silence or resentment. There was no guilt trap.

    I was happy to say that I needed to get on with some work that had been waiting to be done and was bothering me. I didn’t need to apologize. The boundary was clear, and they understood it.

    Another one, they said, “You’re acting strangely”…they didn’t want to understand my point of view or boundary…it was inconvenient to them.

    There can be discomfort, but there doesn’t have to be.

    We all get disappointed and then we all move on and make adjustments. We don’t need to carry everything and everyone – it just doesn’t work in the end.

    Your boundaries aren’t the problem

    If someone reacts badly to your boundaries, that’s information about them, not about you.  It tells you:

    • They were benefiting from your lack of boundaries
    • They prefer you accommodating over you authentic
    • They’re not used to considering your needs
    • Your comfort has never been their priority

    This is hard to hear, hard to accept. Especially with people you love. 

    But you setting boundaries doesn’t make you difficult. It makes you clear.

    You choosing yourself doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you honest.

    You saying no doesn’t make you mean. It means you’re caring – caring for yourself as well as others.

    This week’s practice:

    Notice who pushes back on your boundaries.

    This week, when you set a boundary pay attention:

    • Who gets upset?
    • Who makes you feel guilty?
    • Who tries to talk you out of it?
    • Who benefits from you not having the boundary?

    Start noticing the patterns. Because once you see who benefits from your lack of boundaries, you’ll understand the bigger picture.

    And then you’ll be able to redraw that picture with you more brightly in the picture – by making your own boundaries so you can do the things you want to do, be how you want to be.

    With love and best wishes always,
    Susy

    —

    by

    Susy Rosemary
    in , ,

    Hello, How are you? I hope you’re well. I’ve been thinking about something this week, and I want to share it with you because maybe you’ve experienced this too. The people who get most upset when you start setting boundaries are the ones who benefited most from not having one. And it’s usually your nearest…

  • How to Use Anger as Information: Reclaiming Your Voice After 50

    Hello,

    How are you today? I hope you are well.

    If you’ve ever felt angry and immediately pushed it down, this is for you.

    I had a moment this week that caught me off guard. I was talking to someone when I was interrupted mid-sentence. Not the first time, unfortunately.

    But this time, I felt the anger. I let myself notice it. I didn’t lash out, there would be no point. But I noticed it and I was going to use this experience for some learning because I’ve had enough of not being heard fully.

    Later on, I thought: What is this anger trying to tell me?

    The anger you’re not supposed to feel…

    For women over 50, anger is complicated.

    We were taught that anger makes you “difficult.” That nice women don’t get angry – they stay calm, understanding, always patient.

    So when anger shows up, you might:

    • Push it down immediately
    • Feel guilty for feeling it
    • Apologize for being “too emotional”
    • Convince yourself you’re overreacting

    But that anger is information on what is not aligned in your life.

    Maternal anger shows that anger serves four critical functions and one of them is Voice Reclamation.

    Anger as a signal

    When you’ve spent years staying quiet to keep the peace, anger becomes a signal that your voice needs reclaiming.

    The anger isn’t the problem – it’s pointing to the problem which is actually really useful!

    It’s saying:

    • “This isn’t okay anymore.”
    • “I’ve been dismissed too many times.”
    • “My voice matters too.”
    • “I’m done being talked over.”
    • “I won’t stay silent to keep everyone else comfortable.”

    In my case, the anger that rose when I was interrupted wasn’t random. It was quite normal. I know what it’s like being talked over, dismissed, and treated like my experience as a highly trained nurse, mother, and woman with 20+ years of expertise doesn’t matter.

    Excuse me, I matter. We all matter.

    The anger was telling me: It’s time to reclaim your voice and I’m not tolerating this anymore.

    What anger reveals…

    Think about the last time you felt angry.

    Now ask: What was happening right before that?

    For many women over 50, anger shows up when:

    • Someone dismisses what you just said
    • Your needs are treated as optional while everyone else’s are urgent
    • You’re expected to accommodate but receive no accommodation in return
    • Someone speaks for you or over you
    • Your expertise is questioned by someone with less experience
    • You’re told you’re “too sensitive” when you point out something unfair

    What is your anger trying to tell you? Use it as information.

    Reclaiming your voice through anger…

    Here’s the shift: Anger isn’t something to suppress or apologize for.

    Anger is data and it’s pointing you toward where your voice needs to be heard.

    When I felt that anger, it was telling me: “You deserve to finish your sentences. You deserve to be heard. Your voice matters.”

    Later that day, I went back to him. Calm. Clear. “When you interrupted me earlier, I wasn’t finished making my point. In the future, I’d appreciate if you’d let me complete my thoughts without interrupting and listen instead. And I will be completing them from now on.”

    Was it comfortable? No. But change isn’t always comfortable.

    The anger had shown me something true: My voice had been taken and I wanted to reclaim it…I had to reclaim it to honour my own being.

    This week’s practice:

    Track your anger this week.

    When you feel angry (even a flash of irritation), pause and ask:

    What is this anger trying to tell me?

    Specifically:

    • Where is my voice being silenced right now?
    • What boundary has been crossed?
    • What truth do I want to speak?

    Your anger is information. Let it guide you.

    Want more support in reclaiming your voice? Download my free Rediscover Your Values Workbook to get clear on what truly matters to you.

    With love and best wishes always,
    Susy

    —

    by

    Susy Rosemary
    in , ,

    Hello, How are you today? I hope you are well. If you’ve ever felt angry and immediately pushed it down, this is for you. I had a moment this week that caught me off guard. I was talking to someone when I was interrupted mid-sentence. Not the first time, unfortunately. But this time, I felt…