LIFE & MOTHERHOOD COACH FOR MAMAS IN MIDLIFE

Tag: boundaries

  • When I Chose Coffee Over a Night Shift (And Why It Mattered)

    I want to check in with you.

    Did you get to prioritise yourself this week?
    Did you do something just for you?

    Writing these reflections means I get to look honestly at my own rediscovery too. And this week, I made a decision that felt small… but wasn’t.

    The Dilemma

    I have a group of five friends. We’ve known each other since toddler group — and now our children are in their twenties.

    We’ve been through everything together:

    • Babies and school gates
    • Divorce and heartbreak
    • Illness and bereavement
    • Reinvention and rebuilding

    Over twenty years of showing up for each other.

    One of the gang moved six hours North. I haven’t seen her in over a year. She’s coming back down South this week and we’ve booked a table at our favourite café.

    But I was meant to work a night shift the evening before.

    And I know myself now.

    After a night shift, I can’t simply “push through.” I would have gone home, slept all day, and missed it.

    The old version of me would have said:
    Work comes first.

    The old version of me would have cancelled coffee.

    What I Did

    I cancelled the shift.

    I gave up paid work for coffee with a friend.

    And yes — a small part of me felt guilty.

    That whisper that says:

    • You should be earning.
    • You should be sensible.
    • You shouldn’t give up income.

    But I knew straight away I’d made the right decision.

    Work can wait. I can book another shift.

    This moment cannot be recreated.

    Friendship is a gift. A connection that takes years — decades — to build. It deserves to be protected.

    I can’t wait. It’s tomorrow.

    What This Reminded Me

    For so many of us women over 50, we’ve spent decades putting work, family, and everyone else’s needs ahead of our own joy.

    We prioritise:

    • Other people’s schedules
    • Other people’s comfort
    • Other people’s needs

    And somewhere along the way, we quietly downgrade our own happiness.

    We feel guilty choosing something that’s simply for us.

    But here’s what I’m learning:

    Choosing yourself isn’t selfish.
    It’s essential.

    When I cancelled that shift, I wasn’t being irresponsible.

    I was recognising that my friendships, my connections, my happiness matter just as much as my obligations.

    Maybe more.

    Money can be earned again.

    Moments can’t.

    This Week’s Reflection

    Let me gently ask you:

    • What have you been putting off “until later” that actually matters now?
    • Where are you choosing obligation over joy out of habit — not necessity?
    • What would change if you gave yourself permission to prioritise what lifts you up?

    Awareness comes first.

    Then change.

    And sometimes change looks like something very simple.

    Like coffee.

    With love and best wishes always,
    Susy

    —

    by

    Susy Rosemary
    in ,

    I want to check in with you. Did you get to prioritise yourself this week?Did you do something just for you? Writing these reflections means I get to look honestly at my own rediscovery too. And this week, I made a decision that felt small… but wasn’t. The Dilemma I have a group of five…

  • The people most upset by your boundaries

    Hello,

    How are you? I hope you’re well.

    I’ve been thinking about something this week, and I want to share it with you because maybe you’ve experienced this too.

    The people who get most upset when you start setting boundaries are the ones who benefited most from not having one.

    And it’s usually your nearest and dearest…that’s tricky.

    The resistance you didn’t expect

    When I first started reclaiming myself and setting boundaries, I thought everyone would understand. I thought they’d say, “Oh, of course! You matter too! No problem.”

    That’s not what happened.

    Instead, it was:

    • “You’ve changed.”
    • “Why are you being so difficult?”
    • “You never used to be like this.”
    • “You’re acting strangely.”

    The irony? The “before” they preferred was when I was too tired, too quiet, not me.  They liked me more accommodating and they were used to it.

    Understandably, really.  

    Why boundaries feel like rejection

    Here’s what I’ve learned: When you’ve spent years being the person who accommodates, who keeps the peace – people get used to that version of you.

    They come to expect it. They rely on it.

    So when you start setting boundaries, it feels to them like you’re being selfish. Difficult. Mean, even.

    But you’re not.

    You’re setting boundaries because you matter too. 

    The pattern to notice

    Pay attention to who pushes back hardest when you set boundaries.

    Often, it’s the people who:

    • Got the most from your lack of boundaries
    • Never had to consider your needs because you always accommodated theirs first
    • Relied on you staying the same so they could stay comfortable

    This doesn’t make them bad people. And it’s often your family and closest friends.

    But their discomfort is not your responsibility to fix. Really, it’s not – though it might feel like it is, it’s the pattern that has been playing for years.

    What this looks like in real life

    Last month, I told a family member I wouldn’t be available for something I used to always say yes to. The response was immediate: “Oh that’s a shame! How come?”

    There wasn’t a loaded silence or resentment. There was no guilt trap.

    I was happy to say that I needed to get on with some work that had been waiting to be done and was bothering me. I didn’t need to apologize. The boundary was clear, and they understood it.

    Another one, they said, “You’re acting strangely”…they didn’t want to understand my point of view or boundary…it was inconvenient to them.

    There can be discomfort, but there doesn’t have to be.

    We all get disappointed and then we all move on and make adjustments. We don’t need to carry everything and everyone – it just doesn’t work in the end.

    Your boundaries aren’t the problem

    If someone reacts badly to your boundaries, that’s information about them, not about you.  It tells you:

    • They were benefiting from your lack of boundaries
    • They prefer you accommodating over you authentic
    • They’re not used to considering your needs
    • Your comfort has never been their priority

    This is hard to hear, hard to accept. Especially with people you love. 

    But you setting boundaries doesn’t make you difficult. It makes you clear.

    You choosing yourself doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you honest.

    You saying no doesn’t make you mean. It means you’re caring – caring for yourself as well as others.

    This week’s practice:

    Notice who pushes back on your boundaries.

    This week, when you set a boundary pay attention:

    • Who gets upset?
    • Who makes you feel guilty?
    • Who tries to talk you out of it?
    • Who benefits from you not having the boundary?

    Start noticing the patterns. Because once you see who benefits from your lack of boundaries, you’ll understand the bigger picture.

    And then you’ll be able to redraw that picture with you more brightly in the picture – by making your own boundaries so you can do the things you want to do, be how you want to be.

    With love and best wishes always,
    Susy

    —

    by

    Susy Rosemary
    in , ,

    Hello, How are you? I hope you’re well. I’ve been thinking about something this week, and I want to share it with you because maybe you’ve experienced this too. The people who get most upset when you start setting boundaries are the ones who benefited most from not having one. And it’s usually your nearest…

  • You Don’t Have to Be Loud to Be Big: Finding Your Quiet Power After 50

    How are you? I hope you’re doing well.

    I’ve been thinking about what makes people big.

    Some people seem so big – they’re loud, take up all the space. Sometimes I want to say, “Hold your horses, we don’t all need to hear all this.”

    But I’ve realised you don’t have to be loud to be big.

    The Power of Being Quietly Big

    I’m not a loud person. I’m actually quite small and quite quiet. But I KNOW what’s right and what’s wrong. I know what I’ll tolerate and what I won’t tolerate anymore.

    And that makes me quietly big.

    I’m not tolerating being dismissed. I’m not tolerating being put down. I’m not tolerating being treated differently just because I’m a mum, a woman, and now a woman over 50.

    I’m done with that.

    What Quiet Confidence Really Means

    You don’t have to be loud to be big. You can be quietly confident and calm in knowing what you want and what’s right according to YOUR values.

    That can create waves. Maybe even storms.

    But the calm water, the peace, comes again because you’re being true to yourself. Your peace comes because you’re being authentically you.

    I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s actually hard, especially when it doesn’t suit the people around you.

    But quiet confidence? That’s real power.

    And if you know someone who acts BIG, perhaps they aren’t so big after all…

    Your Turn: What Won’t You Tolerate Anymore?

    What’s one thing you don’t tolerate any more? I’d love to hear from you.

    Ready to go deeper?

    If you’re tired of waiting and are ready to rediscover the true you, I’d love to support you with 1:1 confidential coaching

    —

    by

    Susy Rosemary
    in ,

    How are you? I hope you’re doing well. I’ve been thinking about what makes people big. Some people seem so big – they’re loud, take up all the space. Sometimes I want to say, “Hold your horses, we don’t all need to hear all this.” But I’ve realised you don’t have to be loud to…