I Didn’t Choose My Rest. My Body Did.
How are you? I hope you’re well – and if you’re not, I hope you’re allowing yourself to actually rest rather than pushing through it, which is exactly what I haven’t been very good at.
I’ve been ill all week. Coughing, low energy, out of action. And the strange thing is, I haven’t minded it.
I didn’t choose to stop. My body did it for me.
I’ve been at home all week, clearing my stepfather’s house – going through decades of his and my mum’s things, deciding what to keep, what to give away, what to let go of. It’s been hard. It’s also been the only reason I had the time to find what I found.
Cards. Lots of them. From my mum to Chris, and from Chris to my mum. Years of them, full of warmth and silliness and real, uncomplicated love. I sat on the floor of that house reading them and I thought – I’m so glad they found each other.
If I’d been well, I’d have been at work. I would never have had the time to sit with that.
Then a few nights later, coughing too much to sleep, I came downstairs in the dark and found the electronic piano we’d finally made room for – the one that had been sitting in a garage for over a year. I sat down and played. Badly, made-up tunes, nothing that would impress anyone. But it was fun, it was my creative side being free.
I haven’t had a piano for a couple of years. Music has always been part of who I am, and I’d let it disappear or at best, not be a big enough part of my life. It’s so easy to let things go whilst you are busy holding everyone and everything together.
Two things happened in the same week. Grief, in the form of someone else’s love letters. Joy, in the form of playing the piano in the dark. Both true. Neither cancelling the other out.
Here’s what I’ve decided, with a cough and a coffee: I’m done waiting for illness to give me permission to stop. I shouldn’t need a chest infection to sit on a floor and read love letters, or to play a piano that’s been gathering dust.
Peace isn’t what’s left over when everything else has been done. It’s not what you get to have once you’ve earned it through exhaustion. It has to be chosen – on purpose, before your body forces the issue. I know I’ve said that before, but I simply have to keep reminding myself, and perhaps that’s you too.
This week’s practice:
Pick one thing you’ve been waiting for permission to do – rest, play, sit still, say no to something. Don’t wait for illness, or a crisis, or someone else’s blessing.
Choose it on purpose, this week. Notice how different it feels to choose it versus having it forced on you.
I’m not someone who’s worked this all out and is now reporting back from the other side like some shiny guru online. I’m doing this in real time, same as you – coughing, surrounded by the drawers that still need sorting, tinkering on a piano in the middle of the night. But paying attention, and listening to what I actually need – that’s rediscovery.
With love and best wishes always,
Susy 🌸
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