Hello,
How are you? I hope you’re well.
I’ve been thinking about something this week, and I want to share it with you because maybe you’ve experienced this too.
The people who get most upset when you start setting boundaries are the ones who benefited most from not having one.
And it’s usually your nearest and dearest…that’s tricky.
The resistance you didn’t expect
When I first started reclaiming myself and setting boundaries, I thought everyone would understand. I thought they’d say, “Oh, of course! You matter too! No problem.”
That’s not what happened.
Instead, it was:
- “You’ve changed.”
- “Why are you being so difficult?”
- “You never used to be like this.”
- “You’re acting strangely.”
The irony? The “before” they preferred was when I was too tired, too quiet, not me. They liked me more accommodating and they were used to it.
Understandably, really.
Why boundaries feel like rejection
Here’s what I’ve learned: When you’ve spent years being the person who accommodates, who keeps the peace – people get used to that version of you.
They come to expect it. They rely on it.
So when you start setting boundaries, it feels to them like you’re being selfish. Difficult. Mean, even.
But you’re not.
You’re setting boundaries because you matter too.
The pattern to notice
Pay attention to who pushes back hardest when you set boundaries.
Often, it’s the people who:
- Got the most from your lack of boundaries
- Never had to consider your needs because you always accommodated theirs first
- Relied on you staying the same so they could stay comfortable
This doesn’t make them bad people. And it’s often your family and closest friends.
But their discomfort is not your responsibility to fix. Really, it’s not – though it might feel like it is, it’s the pattern that has been playing for years.
What this looks like in real life
Last month, I told a family member I wouldn’t be available for something I used to always say yes to. The response was immediate: “Oh that’s a shame! How come?”
There wasn’t a loaded silence or resentment. There was no guilt trap.
I was happy to say that I needed to get on with some work that had been waiting to be done and was bothering me. I didn’t need to apologize. The boundary was clear, and they understood it.
Another one, they said, “You’re acting strangely”…they didn’t want to understand my point of view or boundary…it was inconvenient to them.
There can be discomfort, but there doesn’t have to be.
We all get disappointed and then we all move on and make adjustments. We don’t need to carry everything and everyone – it just doesn’t work in the end.
Your boundaries aren’t the problem
If someone reacts badly to your boundaries, that’s information about them, not about you. It tells you:
- They were benefiting from your lack of boundaries
- They prefer you accommodating over you authentic
- They’re not used to considering your needs
- Your comfort has never been their priority
This is hard to hear, hard to accept. Especially with people you love.
But you setting boundaries doesn’t make you difficult. It makes you clear.
You choosing yourself doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you honest.
You saying no doesn’t make you mean. It means you’re caring – caring for yourself as well as others.
This week’s practice:
Notice who pushes back on your boundaries.
This week, when you set a boundary pay attention:
- Who gets upset?
- Who makes you feel guilty?
- Who tries to talk you out of it?
- Who benefits from you not having the boundary?
Start noticing the patterns. Because once you see who benefits from your lack of boundaries, you’ll understand the bigger picture.
And then you’ll be able to redraw that picture with you more brightly in the picture – by making your own boundaries so you can do the things you want to do, be how you want to be.
With love and best wishes always,
Susy